October 30, 2007, Tuesday

Came home from work, walked into kitchen. Nobody was downstairs. Mom heard me and came down from upstairs, did not look at me, and looked very weird.

“What happened?” I wondered.

“Nothing.” Mom slowly turned her face toward me.

I was shocked. She had terrible swollen eyes.

“What happened?” I asked again.

“Priscilla helped me to clean up Lydia’s room.” Mom cried, “I have not touch that area for over one year...since Lydia left…”

“Why did you do it? If you are not ready yet, don’t do it.” I was not happy at all.

“That is OK. Priscilla helped me…”

I went upstairs right away to check, they did not do much. Of course, being so vulnerable, I have to exit the room immediately myself. I felt very sad. Super big lump in my throat. Does it have to be this difficult? What have we done to deserve this tremendous agony, and last for such a long long time?

Mom told me today that one of the girls mentioned to mom she would work very hard and get into medical field. We knew it was never her wish before.

Why? Needless to say. “To find cure for brain cancer.” It caused mom, again, a lot of tears.

Sounds like a cliché. I have already heard that similar statements from several of my Sunday school students right after Lydia got sick, and right after she passed away. When other kids told me that, because they loved and missed Lydia and determined to become a medical doctor. I said thank you and told them it’s important to be able to help others.

However, deep in my mind, I know childhood dream or any dream can be shattered easily.

Of course, to us, the adults, that was sweet, and innocent, even naive. But what do we know? One way or the other? Do we know what will happen tomorrow or next moment?

Dreaming is useless, unless it’s in God’s plan for you. Better make sure that. Working hard and living to the fullest every moment is the only right thing to do.

Everything else? Cast in God’s hand. Don’t be anxious.