September 21, 2007, Friday

13 months after Lydia passed away.

These days, I miss Lydia before I fall asleep, and wake up with deep sorrow in my mind.

I dreamed about Lydia a lot these days. Many different scenarios in the dreams: She was healthy, she was still fighting the disease, or I was also grieving in the dream…

One friend asked me a few days ago, (wrong question he asked, although out of good intention)

“Have you got over the grieving? It’s over a year now.” He asked.

“Not after one year, not even two years.” I smiled at him, “Give me another 15 or 20 years. My grief may be less.”

Although I wanted to punch him on the face, I was happy for him. He simply did not understand, and that made his life easier. Think about it, I was probably like him before I experience this terrible loss, and many people are like him too.

Just a few weeks ago I started a new job (I thought it would be therapeutic) and facing steep learning curve and pressure. The hurting and frustration from the church we serve for many years was huge. The communication problem at home continues…

One thing I need to praise the Lord is that, compared with the grieving over losing Lydia, these adversities and difficulties in life are so insignificant…

Retreat and grieve is what I do many times a day. And that is good for my spirit.