May 28, 2007, Monday

It’s the first memorial weekend after Lydia passed away.

On top of the chores we usually do over the weekend, we also did several “first time” events after Lydia left us.

We went to the movie theater for the first time after Lydia passed away. Since we do not do that often, Lydia always got so excited if we got to watch movie in the movie theater. She would make me feel every single dollar spent there was very worthy. While standing in the lobby of the theater, (isn’t it supposed to be entertaining?), recalling not long ago, I was there with Lydia sharing her happiness, I wanted to escape from there. But, how could I? Daddy had to make sure the remaining of the daughters happy as well. Life has to go on.

We also went fishing for the first time. Again, another very favorite family activity of Lydia. I was not able to prepare the fishing equipment. Mom and girls did it all. I just took it very easy. I don’t want to be harsh on myself. However, Esther caught a lot of little fishes. Enjoyable time? Yes. But it just didn’t feel right. There was not a lot of cheering. Before, when Lydia was around, you could hear non-stopping happy cheering after each fish was caught.

After fishing, I complained to mom that my gut was not feeling good.

“You must be hungry.” Mom said.

“Yeah, maybe.” I replied.

Of course, after we ate, my stomach was still upset.

Deborah’s last concert of the school year was held in this evening, performed in city of Blue Ash Town Square, to honor the arm service men and women. Another great event, met quite a few good friends over there. Again, enjoyable, yes, but it was also emotional. Too much emotion did no good to my stomach though.

Over the entire weekend, we had a lot of fun activities, at least for the girls. (Esther also went to a few senior graduation parties on top of many things family activities we did together.) But, a subtle sadness, constantly, constantly, not able to get rid of, was always there, deep in my mind.

I think, Lydia has taken something out of me (not sure what that is, I am still trying to figure it out), and went to be with the Lord.

Until the day I meet the Lord and Lydia again, that sadness will be with me always…

“Why do we live, if life is with so much sorrow? And the little fun or enjoyment we may have were not able to overcome the depth of the sorrow and suffering.” I asked mom.

“God created us for His own glory.” Mom said, “Good things or bad things, all for His glory, and we got to live that way, glorify God.”

Wow, what could I say, she shut me up right away. No more disgruntled words for at least a few hours.

Wish you have a great summer, and God bless.