May 20, 2007, Sunday

After Relay for Life, and too eventful week one week ago; this week, both mom and I experienced significant physical and emotional un-wellness.

Is it from the extraordinarily emotional event of Relay for Life, or is it because of the prolonged and persistent grieving and mourning for last 15 months, then resulted in the deterioration of our health?

Of course, the awareness of possible consequence of the grieving, did not help the situation, only make it more stressful and depressing.

Mom went to see her doctor. (Really, not much the doctor could do.) As for me, like most guys, tried to fight it. Many told me I should see the doctor. Too bad they could only suggest and was not able to force me to do so.

During these dark days, I was able to do a lot of prayers, and meditate in despair. To tell the truth, those are enjoyable moments. I felt fulfillment in spirit during suffering, much more than the happy days.

Oddly I realized that, true joy came out of severe pain and suffering, not from the happy moments.

After church meeting this afternoon, a brother also in the meeting chatted with me,

“I know it’s easier to say than done. But you just need to let go.” He said to me, “It would do no good in every aspect if you don’t let go.”

“Well, I will do my best. But I do not want the task of letting go become my extra burden and trouble.” I continued, “God has allowed this to happen, there is lesson for me to learn. Grieving is necessary. Even if it means my health would be compromised.”

“You need to take care of yourself for your other children.” He said.

“Surely I will, and I am trying very hard.”

Since February 6, 2006, not a single day, I retrieve myself from outside world (although the temptation is strong). Most of people do hide themselves when they were in similar situation. That is a lot easier.

But I do think God’s name will be glorified, not because of our prosperity, but through our trust and obedience in Him throughout the severe adversity and agony in our life.

I re-read the story of Stephen (Acts 6:7 – 8-2), very short life with beautiful testimony.

A lot of comfort I obtained. Praise the Lord.