April 2, 2007, Monday

Mom and dad took two girls (yes, only two, because one is dead, and the other one in Europe with school trip) to vacation on the beach far away, during the spring break.

I was not sure if I was ready for the vacation. A family vacation without Lydia and Esther? What would that be? We booked the vacation anyway. It was a very good deal. That was the main reason.

I was in sorrowful mood a lot of time (mom too) during the trip. I’ve tried my best to enjoy the trip. But vacation with the constant thoughts of Lydia was not easy. Because almost every situation would make me think of Lydia, specially her energy during every family vacation. She would stir up the excitement of the entire family started from packing.

She would get up early, and be the first to be ready for the activities for each day, and on and on… If something unexpected happened, she was the one to say that is OK. She would not let her vacation be ruined. She would use her ability of talking to cheer up everyone.

Truly, the excitement and the level of fun of this trip were just so low, compared with any family vacation in the past.

I hate to say it’s waste of time and money (two girls definitely had great time). Before the trip, the hope was that I would feel better being away from home. But that was not the case. If I need to mourn even on vacation, why don’t I just stay home. The money can be donated to church, charity, cancer research…

But, daddy should not be so selfish, right.

Late last night, after a long flight, we were so exhausted while trying to find our car in the airport parking lot. Two girls wanted to be home so bad.

“Home, sweet home.” They sang to each other.

I quietly said to mom, “The home without Lydia? What would that be? Our home is so different now.”

“We are not home yet.” Mom reminded me, “The true home, Lydia would be there.”

She is exactly right.

I read one posting in the airport from a breast cancer survivor diagnosed in her 20s. She said,

“The courage is not having the strength to go on. It’s when you have none, but still go on…”

That made me think. It was very touching.

Lydia has done an amazing job. Her courage is beyond I could describe. She went on and on with total faith and hope. She said to mom don’t cry because she will get well, for sure. She knew Jesus will heal her. She shone brightly (although only ten years old), and put me, her dad, in a total shame.