March 21, 2008, Friday

19 months. Lydia has gone that long already. I am still not able to comprehend my tremendous feeling of loss.

I am now sitting in the Istanbul International Airport, one of the largest cities in the world. I was hoping that I would have enough distraction from my grief during this trip to a far away country, both the distance and length.

Well, yes, only when I was totally immerged into the work days and nights.

Seeing massive people passing by, not a lot of kids are traveling with adults. A almost new born baby was held by a young mother not far away from me. It made me think about the years I held my girls when they were babies...

If when a father holds his dearest baby daughter, looking at her lovely face with the whole heart of love for her, then someone told him that this baby girl will die ten years later, would he have the courage to continue? Wouldn’t he try all his power to prevent this to happen, including giving up his own life to save hers?

I would.

Many fathers would.

But I failed.

I am surprised that grieving over Lydia is still so fresh and hurting so much.

And to me, it’s almost like the act of God. We do not know how she got the cancer. Only God knows. There is no use trying to find out.

With so much hurt came from God and still keep good faith of Him and love Him seem contradictory.

Well, this is the trial of faith. I need to pray that God give me good faith.

Today is the Good Friday that He died for me to save me and of course, Lydia, and everybody who believes.

But, any holidays make me sad. I have to think of Easter with the deepest way. Otherwise, this is just too hard for me.