March 21, 2007, Wednesday

It’s seven months since Lydia left. Yes, I am counting my days on earth diligently.

Mom made a comment that the atmosphere in the family is very different now without Lydia.

It’s simply worse in many ways.

Of course, the grieving does contribute to it. But we realized more and more that Lydia played an important role in the family when she was alive.

She would correct or help others to be nice, not to be mean.

Yes, everybody in family is meaner than her, me especially.

“You are so mean...” Lydia said that sometimes joking (she would laugh), sometimes serious (came with a few drops of tears). If she was joking, then we got a big laugh. If she was serious, then right away, we were reminded to be nice.

Now, she has done a good job on earth and gone. It’s now our turns to learn to be nice, and, without her to remind us.

Ever since each girl was born into the family. I could not imagine I could survive with any of them missing from my life. Now, I am experiencing it every moment. It’s so hard, that counting days brings comfort and perspectives.

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalms 90:12.

Another day passed would bring me joy, and I just need to appreciate everything I have. Learn to be content, even with a heavy grieving heart.