March 18, 2007, Sunday

The annual piano competition was held today. As usual, all my girls (only three, not four, of course) went to the competition in their level with hundreds of others kids from the region participated.

I wish I could say that despite all the adversity happened in the family, the girls still practiced well, and played well, and did very good in the competition today. Well, that might be true while Lydia was still alive, and entire family was thriving to continue as normal as possible, and fighting boldly the terrible disease.

But that is not true anymore.

Now, Lydia has been gone almost seven months. The loss of Lydia also came with other significant deficiencies in the family. We got worse in everything. Whatever one can think of. Everything. Starting from early morning, till the bedtime. Every perspective in life. Even quality of sleep also got worse. Not that we do not try. We tried very hard. I think, maybe none of us, the remaining members in the family were as strong as Lydia.

Some said loss of child is like the amputation. Like losing an arm or a leg. The pain is tremendous, the fact is so hard to accept, the wound is permanent, and yes, we are mentally and emotionally handicapped for the rest of life. We are no longer as strong or as capable as before.

But, everything but one thing did not get worse. That is the faith and love we have for the Lord really got deeper.

Yes, people can view us as LOSERS in the earthly view. But, the important thing is that our faith has grown to a different level. That is life all about, isn’t it? To know God better, not about earning more money, better fame, more power, or secular accomplishment.

The more I want my old life back, the more suffering and pain I would experience. I need to know God is in control. As long as I let go the control of my own life, I guess I am OK that we got worse in everything, but one thing.

I don’t need to find the excuse for things got worse. It is what it is. We do not want to live like a victim, or with pity from people around us.

Life is not fair. Yes, that is why we long for God’s eternal fairness and justice. Not in this life, but in the eternity.

We will not be the same as before, our life has taken a dramatic turn, from the deepest level.

I have to thank God for the lesson and forcing me to learn the lesson by breaking me, and taking away I care the most on earth…

Got the chill to the bone? That is exactly what I felt. Before, when I heard this kind of thing happened to other people, I felt so sorry for them. I would pray to God to spare me from burying my own child because I would not be able to bear.

Here it happened. It still happened.

God is in control of my life, not in my own control. Although everything is getting worse after Lydia passed away, that is fine (again, it’s a lot worse because compared with my past, it’s also true that I am still very blessed compared with many others).

Just need to hold on the Lord tightly.