February 22, 2007, Thursday

Six months have passed since Lydia left.

We received an email from a dear friend,

“Despite our losses, we must think of the blessing we HAVE! And despite what has happened, you are still very blessed!”

What an important reminder! While I am missing Lydia so much, and suffering severely from the loss that I would never see her again in the current life, I tend to focus on my loss too deep, and all the time. Food has no taste, sleep or not does not matter (instead I fall asleep during the day time). I could totally indulge in the grief.

God has constantly reminded me (many times a day with His words in the Scripture). And God uses some friends to remind me, which is very loud and would knock me awake from the despair.

I have been having trouble indeed, the guilty feeling…

“I did a terrible job of taking care of Lydia, worse than the majority of the parents, whose kids are healthy and alive…”

“I failed Lydia. She was at the age that depending on me the most, and already understood a lot of things, not yet a rebellious teenager, not yet an adult could not wait to leave home. At the most lovely age and being so cute and intelligent, she died. She believed deep in her heart that mommy and daddy would take good care of her. She thought she would be OK. But I failed. I felt extremely shameful, and felt I deserved the most severe punishment for not doing a good job...”

Of course I know these were the accusation from the Satan.

God is so real. The same way, the devil is also so real, a definitely true being out there in the Universe, and doing a lot of damages.

The devil attacks me hard. So bad, and so cruel. Often being so desperate, I have to hold on the Lord and asking (screaming) for help all the time.

The Lord has told me that at least one thing I have done right, which is most important (compared with everything else by far) a parent can (should) do is to bring our children to the Lord when they are young… (Proverbs 22:6)

I thank God that Lydia not only believes in God. She KNOWS God. She is now with the Lord Jesus. That assurance beats the attacks from the devil…