February 17, 2007, Saturday

Esther and Deborah went to the church youth retreat this weekend. That left only Priscilla with us for the entire weekend. Only three people in the house? I suddenly aware that, in the past six months, mom and dad spent more time to take care of Priscilla than to take care of both Lydia and Priscilla when Lydia was alive. Because Lydia would always help taking care of Priscilla ever since Priscilla was born, Lydia was two years old then… Sadly, Lydia could not help mommy and daddy anymore…

It’s also the Chinese New Year weekend. In Chinese tradition, this is the most important holiday of the year for the celebration and family reunion. And of course, any holidays now are dreadful to me. It’s hard to think of last year’s Chinese New Year party at my house. Lydia had great fun, with little sign that she would die six months later…

The new year party was planned again this year at my house, but we cancelled this morning due to the weather. It felt pretty odd to have only three people at home at Chinese new year eve. Pretty lonely, but peaceful also.

It snowed all day long today. While shoveling the snow, I talked to two neighbors (both in their 70s). I felt alike with them. Pretty old, that is. They talked a lot about their kids, grandkids and great grandkids…

You know, I told the neighbor, last year, year 2006, I probably aged five years physically, and thirty years mentally and emotionally. It was a joke. Well, I am in a lot of sorrow of saying and feeling that.

Recently, in my dreams, Lydia already passed away. In the dream, a lot of grieving. Last night, it was about we are having another baby…

Well, in reality, we are too old for that. To adopt a child? Not financially capable.

Well, nothing is easy.

The comfort is that, no matter what, God is in control.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6-7.