January 17, 2008, Thursday

It’s now year 2008.

I feel good that time goes on in a relatively fast pace. That means soon we will meet Lydia again. I feel sad that as another year arrives, Lydia’s earthly life and memory about her seem to become more distant for many people who knew her. I hate to see that to happen.

Another thing would happen this year is that Priscilla will become older than Lydia. That is so weird. How can you be older than your older sibling? Especially little kids. How do you explain it to them? It happened to me several years after my older brother passed away. I had hard time to comprehend the situation. It’s plainly awkward. Of course, this is happening everyday and everywhere since people died at different age. People simply accept the fact if people departed at old age. But I think there is more into it. God is involved. What is in it? We may never know.

Ever since Lydia won the school spelling bee champion (and also after Esther and Deborah seven and four years ago respectively) two years ago and was a cancer patient with a lot of headache going on everyday and every moment, Priscilla was under a lot of pressure to face the school spelling bee competition. She put so much pressure on herself. She wanted to win. We told her there is no need to feel that way. We know it takes a good amount of luck (and of course, you need to be a good speller to start with). But she just feel obligated, (be honest, who wouldn’t) not only it seems to be the family tradition, I think, she wants to honor Lydia.

The competition was held today. The result, she did not win, but was one of the few finalists after many rounds of spelling. We told her we were very proud of her. And Lydia, her buddy sister, would too, we believe.

Deborah invited many friends coming to sleep over tonight. There are a dozen of teenage girls in the house running around and chatting, sometimes screaming. It’s the first time that, since Lydia left us, I felt there is some excitement and enough talking and noise in the house. I could not imagine that one Lydia could equate to that many girls. Before Lydia got sick, at times, I felt she talked too much. Nowadays, the house is just awfully quiet every day.

What do I want to achieve? A full house of children, energy, and perhaps noise to make me feel comfortable like old days? Do I know what do I want?

It’s better to figure out what does God want.

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.” Psalms 127:1.

Yes, more than it should be, we often do things and labor in vain. It sounds sarcastic, but I feel that way, that grieving seems to be more meaningful, in the greater perspective of life. I helped me to take things lightly and re-focus.